when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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