Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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