i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
