You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
