You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
