I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I wish there were birth control emojis
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
