I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
