I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
