Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
