Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
