Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
