you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
