I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
