do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
