Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
