hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
