Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
