Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
