If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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