It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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