If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
