it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
