Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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