My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
