My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
