Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
