Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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