so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
