I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
