will power is for people who don't want to get laid
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
