Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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