my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
