My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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