flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
