Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
