Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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