apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
