I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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