well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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