last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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