You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
