She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
