apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
It's rum buckets o'clock
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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