I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
