Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I am midnight drunk by noon
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
