..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
