i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I believe in your delicious
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
