I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
