not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
