Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
