I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Im part way to drunk.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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